lost
  broken
  all is lost
fallen
  pieces
only remember
  what
    used to be
when things were
  good

how long...
How long can I dance with fire
   before I am consumed in flame
ashes crown my pheonix head
   wings lay torn where I fell

a world shatters
    broken dreams and
    dashed hopes
    crumble
and rise
as walls
    are built
i love my sis
ansd she is in pain
    that i cannot help
        cannot heal
    cannot give her back
her child

I am broken, unworthy
not good enough
this i do not deny
the more I see of myself
the more I hurt
and wrench to look away
my own misery a
sad shell
for this twisted
child
barely human
contorted skin
of flesh
And I can’t do it
I can’t heal
I stand on pride
this little crumb of worth
that crumbles beneath me
I’m not good enough
I never have been
and there is no way
I ever will be
I don’t know why you chose me
and even that security
is tentative
because you have no reason
to hold
anytime you could
leave
and you would be perfectly justified
And I feel alone and barren
You say you will not leave
but I am scared to trust
I would leave
if I were You
and the more I see of myself
through your eyes
how incapable
how imperfect
how unworthy
the more I cower in fear
and shame
I cannot make you love me
you push me to the breaking point
and over
to prove to me what I cannot
do
how much I cannot earn
do not deserve
and I shake in terror

I love you, honest I do
but even that is not pure
not whole
not good enough
meaningless
without You

I need You
I totally don’t deserve You or understand You
or have any claim to You
but You offer yourself and I need You
This worthless child
you have made worthy
depravity You take for holiness
and I need You!
Please come, Lord Jesus

    insufficient
God i can’t
That is my heart’s cry
  And You say, “I can.”
but my heart’s not big enough
to allow you even that

GOD, I AM BROKEN
I AM YOUR CHILD AND I AM BROKEN
UNWORTHY.
YOU SAY YOU SENT CHRIST AND
I SAY HE DIDN’T DO A VERY GOOD JOB
if this is what you ended up with…

I wish I could believe I was worthwhile
I wish I could believe I was priceless,
    without measure
I wish I could believe that God knew what
    He was doing
when He said my creation was complete
    but sometimes I’m not so sure anymore

I wish I could see how He’s bringing this together
I wish I could see how He plans to use this child
I am broken, incomplete, but He says I am
    whole
And He uses me… I want to say He lies

I want to say He fools Himself
I want to say He is foolish to try
I see His hand in my life
But I still say I am broken
He says I am whole
      And we fight
This war of the heart

Our Children Cannot Go Back
We
have come over a long road
to the place where we are now
   in human experience
and in our knowledge

I want my life to smell like
  pumpkin spice and burning leaves
  strawberries in the rain
I want my life to look like
  fireflies in the night
  the light of a thousand stars
  a single candle burning
    to touch a hundred others
  before the burn dies down
    eternal flame to be relit
  by the heat of the Son
    Carry me

I’m sorry God
so sorry
I tried again
on my own
but I wasn’t good enough
I claimed You
but didn’t mean it
my self-reliant will
so independent
tried to do it on my own

Take my heart again God
i fall broken and exhausted before You
You made me for yourself
and I fall on your mercy
please take me back
to your heart again
and let me be a ministry

i want…

place of dragons: sore broken

last night
  you were so tired
  sore broken
    in the place of dragons
  and I could not comfort you

place of dragons: pt. II

tears fall, shudder
attempt escape
within my heart
breaking me in a way
that cannot mend
tears fall, shudder
attempt escape
within my heart
for what I cannot do
and cannot give

hand that trembles
at what I cannot touch
lips as what I
cannot say
break the tears
from their place of hiding
pour them forth
in this simple
touch of pen
…touch of pain
i’d heal you if i could

The Summer of My 21st Year

The summer of my 21st year,
  i fell in love with You
  and broke your heart again
Followed the road to places unseen
  with people i did not know
    best friends now
Marvelled at wonders
  and dreamed dreams
Struggled to keep
  my head above water
  when all i wanted to do was drown
learned more about the strength
    to be found in faith
  and how little I have on my own
wondered at my insecurity
  incapability
and the unending love that surounds me
  from You
I lost something precious,
    taken by your hand,
gained contentment
   made a friend,
     regained my youth;
played at the beach and
  jumped in puddles,
climbed a tree and
  read a book;
i rode a motorcycle,
  chased the rain
kissed the rain... and was kissed in return
 ~sweet breath of God!~
i walked through a cloud
  chased a rainbow
    ...wished on a star...
    planted flowers
  played in the dirt
    danced for joy among the thorns
In the summer of my 21st year
  we travelled many restless days
  so You could bring me home again.

What child is this?
Why you should
Come I know not
Or understand the
Love that
Incarnation
Could bring

(from start of poem 4.14.02)

confused

Don't touch me
don't ask
the answer is
no
I need you
I need your
touch
I need you
I need your
love
But I must say
no
I must not use you
I must say no
Until I am okay
again...

...Please touch me
tell me it's okay
again...

All emotion falls
in the chasm
between you
and me
Nothing seems to
bridge the gap
it falls unseen
unrecognized
...or does it?

tears fall, shudder,
        attempt escape
    within my heart
breaking me in a way that cannot mend
tears fall, shudder,
        attempt escape
        within my heart
for what I cannot do
    and cannot give

hand that trembles
    at what I cannot touch
lips at what I
    cannot say
break the tears
    from their place of hiding
    pour them forth
        in this simple
        touch of pen
            ...touch of pen
        i'd heal you if i could

seperate

Duty and passion
  do they have to be
    so far apart
  so tenuous a glimpse
    trembling
  of the one
firm grasp
    of the other
  first covenant
    commitment
      made
  before this day
    must they be ever seperate?

Driven

So driven
   everyone else
      falls on the
   shoal
      of your
   "plans"
So driven
   if we don't fit
      in with your
   goals
      or your
   "plans"
We're out

Where do you
   hold your friendships
Where do you
   set your goals, your
      "plans"
And where does God fit in?

what happened to
      love your neighbor
   -- love your brother
      love your sis --
We miss you
   taking backseat to your
      "plans"

the cry

I hate the person I am right now
the person I am when I’m tired
I hate the way I forget people
am selfish
in denial
and I need to learn to say hi

such a simple thing
just tell him hi
but I’m too incoherent
even to think it
and now it’s too late…
  please give me another
    chance

The only thing about Kansas
is that there is no water
no lake
no pond
no flowing streams
through trees
I could live almost
anywhere
And I could love Kansas
except that there is
no water

Jealousy

Jealousy
  eyes the color of his shirt
  jealous eyes
  watch him with her
I want this to be over
I don’t want to feel this anymore
I want this to be over
  he has far too much
   influence
  on my life
Take him

What child is this
Why You should
   come I do not know
      understand
i would not have come
   would not have
      loved
   as you did

Where is my focus?
It's off You again
You are my commitment
I want You to be my
Lover
Why are my eyes
wandering again
You are my beautiful face
beautiful soul
Return to my dreams
and haunt me again
Let your pursuit of me
be bold
and relentless
Call me from this whore's life
I hide in so uneasily
Taking less-wild lovers
poor substitutes
for your
all-consuming passion
Paying me for a night...
or am I the one who pays
by the rape pf all things
dear to me?
Why do I run?!
I know You!
I know your face
I know your love...
yet I let go
I sneak from our bed
to the arms of another
and weep
at the loss of all I have truly known

This whole jumble of emotions
All so new
...so lonely at times
and unexplained

Triad

I walk away
   So insufficient
so many times
      Falling on my face again
when to your arms I should run
you take my far-fetched ideas
       Take me
       my hands and hopes and dreams
       use me
       turn my thoughts to you
       claim me
       steal me from all who would distract
Pull me
       Let none take me
out of the grasp
       none claim me
of this world
       but those for whom I am given
    of my
And humble me
    mind
       genuinely
    of all but you
Turning me back again
What do you want
     to your face
    from me?
     Your glory
    Your glory
     to You
    in me
     …my Lover
    take me

Psalm 121
I will lift up mine eyes
    unto the hills
from whence cometh my help
My help cometh from the LORD,
    which made heaven and earth.
He will not suffer thy foot
    to be moved:
He that keepeth thee will not slumber.
Behold, He that keepeth Israel
    shall neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD is thy keeper:
    the LORD is thy shade
    upon thy right hand.
The sun shall not smite thee by day
    nor the moon by night.
The LORD shall preserve thee from
    all evil:
He shall preserve thy soul.
The LORD shall preserve thy
    going out
and thy coming in
from this time forth
and forevermore.

I see now why I didn't see you before
   why i didn't know
      didn't care
you were just a pretty face
   in many ways you
      still are
sometimes you go so deep
   it amazes me
but sometimes you need
   to grow up
Some things are so basic

Reflection on "The Kiss"
Fist clenched
   at his side
...not quite tight
   fingers curled
as control
   must win
Passion rages
      in his mouth
   in hers
but he will not
   touch her
she will not
   touch him
They are chaste
   passion
      and
   innocence
   intertwined
for a moment
   on this street
in Paris.

last night
    you were so tired
    sore broken
        in the place of dragons
    and i could not comfort you

Simple things
treasured for their smallness
for their thought
for the power that
lies in their creation

zippers furl
   and class is almost out

Taken
Pain she was in
      now gone
   replaced with new
      temporary
   I hope
Fear she was in
      now gone
   replaced with hope
      permanent
   I pray
You weave her life
      and body
   into one grand expression
      to glorify you
   take her