The lonliness comes in the still dark night
   and my heart shatters a thousand days
      I cannot learn to love halfway

The aching comes, brings with it loss
   of that which I cannot express
      have never held

The lonliness comes...

take these words
I take these words, pour out my soul
   I do not want you
      I lie
I ache for you, force myself inside
I want too much what I cannot have
      I hide
   how much I want you
I take these words, pour out my soul

afraid?
You are hiding as much as I
   You are scared as I am
though I don't know why
   are you afraid of me
      or am I...

You hide
    I wish that I
could make you smile
    could make you safe
once more

I don't want to hurt you
  my fear is that
I will lose you
  another friendship broken

How could you
  want me
How could you
  desire
    more?

So many fears enwrap
    my heart and I
don't want to hurt
    you, I want to be your friend

You see it as I do
    maybe more
you see all that goes on
    under the surface
and it hurts
  you
You feel as my sister does
    painful core
of hurt and wrath and loss
    bitterness and wrong
and it hurts you
You absorb all around you
    slamming door
hateful yells and glaring
    words unspoken
but no less
  said
you see but do not search it
    look but see
not

Take this heart
and let me know You
Take this life
and let me show You
Take this past
and make it new
Take this pride
and make it fall
Take this child
and make me seek You
Take this love
and make it pure

So easily distracted
mind poisoned within
tempted without
Be Thou only
within my sight

I will ravage you
I will take your heart
Your very soul
Your life to come back to Me
I will scar you
blind you
bring you
to your knees
to bring you back to Me
My Heart, my ravage
ravages me too
and I rend my heart
with your pain
for your pain
for your heart
for your love
I will not surrender
I will have my way
I will have you

I love you too much
to let you walk away
You do not know the fire into which
you walk

Do not turn away from Me
Do not walk away
Do not seek my
love
in another’s arms
another’s face
voice
charms
charm is seductive
and beauty is fleeting
Do not seek Me
in another
You will seek Me and find Me
I will be found
when you seek Me
with all your heart

I see your heart
written all over your face
your glance
your body
all speak to pain
the tenseness
and the
definition
of your
hesitation
both give away your
pain

you ask, a quiet voice,
that hides the depth
the truth
of what you feel
your plea fall on deaf ears
for peace

meet my motive
meet this heart
of purity and
sorrow as i
walk away from You
impure
it drags me
or do i run
unseeing
knowing where
i go
back again
so i cry
turn
come to You

silence echoes
impetuous sprite
it dances
in my head
as i lay on my back
tired and sore
and taken
by the flu
or whatever this is
yet a sprite dances
on tip-toe
in my head

The raindrops
tepid
a night of
new beginnings
the soft breeze
a spring of hope and
happiness
as soft it blows
round my face
bringing with it
the first wisps of
apple blossom
and echoes of children

Who are you
and why do I wait
so passionately
for you

why do I wait at all
Should I not care?
Who are you?!
Out of my head
this face from the
past

So we are friends
    my brother
  playmate
So we are friends
   do now we stay?
So we are friends
    in this I
  trust you…
So we are friends
   in this we stay?

Always fighing
always struggle
always danger
always lost
Always warring
always fighting
always losing
falling, gone

Don't touch me
    don't ask
 the answer is
       no
I need you
I need your
     touch
  I need you
I need your
     love
But I must say
       no
I must not use you
I must say no
  Until I am okay
      again...

...Please touch me
      tell me it's okay
         again...

This heart
is selfish
bitter and deceitful above all things
This heart
is crying out for love
and asking
“where are You?”
it cannot find You
but knows You’re here
Jer 29:13

So we are friends
my brother
playmate
So we are friends
do we now stay?
So we are friends
in this I
trust you…
so we are friends
in this we stay?

This heart
  is selfish
bitter and deceitful
  above all things
This heart
  is crying out for love
and asking
  Where are You?
it cannot find You
  but knows
    you’re there

Poetry
another
need
to write
and
help
my
heart
and
head
connect

LORD
 I am so dry
   I am fallen
 and crying out
   for more of You
  I cannot find You
   I fall so far away
  my head can know You
   but my heart’s not right
  my heart is disengaged
   and I want You now
  Please take me now
   please make me know You
  I am so thirsty
   and I cannot find You
  I need my day with
   You alone
  Please take me to your side again.

Always hoarding panic
Driving need to
Hide away and
Discover something
     new

So tired of fighting
   so tired of battling
  war for the soul
So tired of fighting
   to maintain focus
So tired of trying
  to stay on the line

Who is more important
   you or I
who is more self-less
  the one I
    used to be?

There is a wall
  of brick and barbed wire
In my fear
  I fall upon it
   fall behind it
  in my fear
I shut you out

In my fear
  first trembling run
In my fear
  I wounded fall
In my fear
  I turn to fight you
   screaming
  as my wounds
bleed red

In my fear
  I do not see you
In my fear
  only myself
In my fear
  my heart is hardened
In my fear
  I cannot dwell

To this fear
  Alone I come
For this fear
  I shut you out
In this fear
  my pain falls on you
From this fear
  I must walk on

must walk through brick and barbed wire.

This fear
  penetrates my soul
this fear
  tears at my heart and
    destroys
  shakes with trembling
horror
  full and running over

cast out
  demons
cast out
  fear
cast down
  terror
call to
  love

Abuse

We walk
dead
we posture
a skeleton
inside

We crawl
fall
disbelieving
in denial
lost

the bones
shatter
ideals
fall
breached by the
truth

break the
deathmask
feel the
pain
heal the
torment
lived again
to heal...

Please let me know
how I can help you
how I can know you
I want to see you
for who you are

Let me discover
your multiple fascets
Let me see your
unseen sides
let me know
what makes you smile
Let me feel
what makes you cry

I will take
the years and
yearnings
I will walk
the miles aside
I will wait
in dark and
silence
just to see your unseen side

(for Sarah)

today
   Today I cannot
do this
   I cannot focus
I am too tired
   I need to sleep
I push too hard
   and must find a break
      a release

I wish I could get inside your head
   why are you so cold to me
did you see my eyes before I hid
   emotions unallowed?
did you feel the hesitation
   did you sense my wanton ways?
I would not ask this of you
   I would not take you there
   I would not take this road with you
your arrogance masks something
   I do not know how to break through.

an experiment with cliches

Familiarity breeds contempt
   intensity brings with it fear
I walk away, am drawn to you
   like a moth drawn to the flame

We must walk apart I know
   we are playing with fire
but both of us are dancing this
   line drawn in the sand
      and the tide is coming in

Prophet
poet
neither am I
yet I write
pour out my soul
see visions
watch the people
reflect on the world
hung silent
in the crest of rain

a soft hum from the vents
a slow breath from the chair
the sound of a newspaper
crackle
the world revolves in
black and white
and a picture
caught between

I have written no poems about you
I have written no sonnets in your name
I have asked no question of your heart
I have walked with you alone

I have sung no song nor danced before you
Given myself not to you, my heart
Is silent, hiding, comes not to see you
Walk together hearts alone

I despise this place of torment
   I hate the fear
      the hesitancy
the knowledge that I
   must move on
I hate this face I must
   put on
this love, this openess
   that I know will
      close
   will lose
and my heart
   I
   will break again
how long this
   selfishness
Before I care more
   for them
      than for the pain
   to them or me
They need me now
   you gave me
I cannot walk away
   must not
      walk away
   must be open
      broken

Why do I feel like
   I'm waiting for you
You are not mine
   have not been given
are not even here

80 years huh?
   we'll see if I
grow up before then
   I will not wait
   for your return

Lord, I am so dry
I am fallen
and crying out
for more of You
I cannot find You
I fall so far away
my head can know You
but my heart’s not right
my heart is disengaged
and I want You now
Please take me more
please make me know You
I am so thirsty
and I cannot find You
I need my day with
You alone
Please take me to your side again

Bottled Up

I can’t force poems
    but I want to write
    need to write
    need the release
but i’m so tired
    and the words won’t
       come
they bottle up inside me
       like emotion
the emotions they won’t
       express
     all bottled up

walk apart

Were you given?
That’s the questions that rages my mind:
Were you mine
for a time
as a friends
…are you still?
We both know we walk our paths alone
Yet maybe
for a time
walk as friends
…walk we still?

I do not ask
for more than friends, I know you cannot give
nor I take
For this time
walk alone
…still you come
Our paths are split and rage against us
take from us
take this time
…walk apart…

Everything I write has already been written
   said by men far greater than I
the words the emotion the syntax the rhyme
   all the gifts of another man's time

intensity burns
    the flame rages
      deep
and the fire
   kindles
      low
a spark may shoot
   or fireworks
within some
   lover's walk
our flame burns deep
   and grows
      with each
word we speak
   and look
      we share
the sparks will fly
   but requiem
      to the
   sodden glow
of core soul knowledge
   understanding
of the love
      bigger than our own
   our frailty
the love broken
   to bring
      life

A floating memory
  a hesitation
i like that word
  i think
i cannot sit
  or focus
    or move
  with any sort of
    intent
  in this classroom
I am chained

blessed madness (ADHD)

I cannot focus
   close my eyes
afraid to dream
   long for blackness
long for silence
   long for quiet
in my mind
   i cry


This blessed curse
   gift of madness


words cannot express
   will not still
but stir these
   maddening thoughts


Frustration
   wars within the members
of my body
   i want to be off
it all

Words
   simple words
mock my world
   the world i know
i see
   so differently
the frustration comes

over things i see
   and understand
but cannot place
   in words

Him
    Who is he?
Where is he?
    And do I know him?
       have I hurt my friends
    on his behalf?
       been not loving?
    not knowing
       to reach the needs
          that are first
       that are known
heal me
    and take
    him
until he is given

release
I need to not be here
it’s making me sick
I will bring my computer
to the second class
because I need to
I need to have that secondary release
that release

but a dream...
A daydream
flying silver
flows across the page
in flowing lines
like an ancient feather pen
a drifting sea
a widow’s walk
a quiet sea
and storm clouds fly
above the clipper ship
far off it comes
but sailing far
to ports unknown
and carrying treasure
untold
Simple dreams
I don’t understand
where and what
there is so much I “know”
but so much I can’t understand
And all I know are facts
a simple dream
I cannot put down
have given up
but cannot shake
And do you give it back to me?

spill
I must write something
feel my hand move
watch the ink spill
out across the page
I must create
I want to have a lego day
or work on Greek
while sitting in a tree
but I couldn’t sit still
and I need to run
or do something!
but I don’t want to miss lunch
‘cause he might be there
WHAT A HOLD HE HAS ON MY LIFE
except he doesn’t
I need people
but I need you more
he just reminds me of You
do I really want to go?

thirsty
I am thirsty
    dry and parched
a fainting wave
    crashes across me
and I cry
“THIRSTY!”
Water
Living Water
    unending purity
       of water
washes over me
    and am I but a dream