One man's vision
a woman's dream
and you do not despise me
but hold me chaste
now our paths are taken
now I must hold you lost
until you come again

no more poems will be written in your name

I look at you and feel nothing
numb
Not even a shred of knowledge
recognition
Of hurt or love or passion
I look at you
and know nothing
of the ‘man’ you have become
I read your words
and know they could have been mine
written for me
in different tine and meter
I see your poems
- and nothing comes -
your soul
- and I walk away -

There was a time I loved you
would have cared for you more than
life itself
cried for you and broke my heart
that you might heal
There was a time I knew you
and cared
now e’en your memory dies

There is a need
an aching rawness
a bitterness
a pain and
hurt
I cannot comfort
There is a need
and aching rawness
a bitterness
a deepest
wound
only You can heal
There is a need
for You

There are words for this
     but i do not know them
There are cries for this
     but my heart cannot collect
The sobbings and swellings and
     tears
The emotion that gathers at the door
There are words for this
     but i do not know them

wanting tonight
crying for words that have no sound
my heart an aching, rusting hole
i’m not sure if it’s there anymore
all purity lost long ago
washed away in the waves

beckon me, please call me back
I cannot be but yours
my lover
whose image I bear
in whose arms I find
refuge i come
run
to the one who holds the heavens
in whose heart I find solace
sanctuary
hide
from the one who
would strip it all away

words
won’t come
won’t purge
themselves
from my hands
holding
them like
birds
little
sparrows
sitting
on my hand
flitting
coming
back
again

You are young
you walk
in steps I have forgotten
you dance
to words i have not known
you speak
of desires I still feel
you ache
over wounds which have long scarred
my heart
and i have long cried for you
young blood

my latest idol
i bow before
offer up my heart and soul
and body
and the best of my life
my thoughts and daydreams
are not of You
my hidden songs
are not yours
the words I speak
are painted with images
of the idol
and bowing again
before it I come

YOU CANNOT HEAL ME
you do not know my pain
YOU CANNOT COMFORT ME
you do not know why I scream
you do not see the demon that comes to me in the night
you do not feel my sickness
feel my terror
endure the fight
YOU CANNOT HOLD ME
you do not know what to protect
YOU CANNOT SHELTER ME
he will come in again

and you cannot stop him

You sit and look so tired
run your hands through your hair
and think a thousand thoughts
shuttered from the world
what haunts you my friend?
what keeps you up at nights?
keeps your smile from the day?
I pray for you my brother
     pray your restoration be complete

This cannot be a requiem mass
     for I am not gone yet
Though it feels my soul lies lost
'Tis buried 'neath the wandering stars
     and it has not come yet
To the health of one who lives

I miss what I have dreamed you to be
I miss the one I never knew
mourn that I could not understand
still cannot change
I mourn the loss
Was this your “fault”? cast blame. cast
it back upon myself

So quiet the voices come
whisper
my cry becomes a
whimper
barely breathing they come
taunting
ravish my soul
haunting
Alone the memories come
failing
to curb the weakness
fainting
Again I ask please no, please
don’t come
again my strength
won’t come

softness
falls in the hole of raging fire
falls in my heart
fills this desire
comes to my side
to take the place
of all twas lost
or never known
the voices come
stop.
no more the hole of fire

The lonliness comes in the still dark night
   and my heart shatters a thousand days
      I cannot learn to love halfway

The aching comes, brings with it loss
   of that which I cannot express
      have never held

The lonliness comes...

take these words
I take these words, pour out my soul
   I do not want you
      I lie
I ache for you, force myself inside
I want too much what I cannot have
      I hide
   how much I want you
I take these words, pour out my soul

afraid?
You are hiding as much as I
   You are scared as I am
though I don't know why
   are you afraid of me
      or am I...

You hide
    I wish that I
could make you smile
    could make you safe
once more

I don't want to hurt you
  my fear is that
I will lose you
  another friendship broken

How could you
  want me
How could you
  desire
    more?

So many fears enwrap
    my heart and I
don't want to hurt
    you, I want to be your friend

You see it as I do
    maybe more
you see all that goes on
    under the surface
and it hurts
  you
You feel as my sister does
    painful core
of hurt and wrath and loss
    bitterness and wrong
and it hurts you
You absorb all around you
    slamming door
hateful yells and glaring
    words unspoken
but no less
  said
you see but do not search it
    look but see
not