wanting tonight
crying for words that have no sound
my heart an aching, rusting hole
i’m not sure if it’s there anymore
all purity lost long ago
washed away in the waves

beckon me, please call me back
I cannot be but yours
my lover
whose image I bear
in whose arms I find
refuge i come
run
to the one who holds the heavens
in whose heart I find solace
sanctuary
hide
from the one who
would strip it all away

words
won’t come
won’t purge
themselves
from my hands
holding
them like
birds
little
sparrows
sitting
on my hand
flitting
coming
back
again

You are young
you walk
in steps I have forgotten
you dance
to words i have not known
you speak
of desires I still feel
you ache
over wounds which have long scarred
my heart
and i have long cried for you
young blood

my latest idol
i bow before
offer up my heart and soul
and body
and the best of my life
my thoughts and daydreams
are not of You
my hidden songs
are not yours
the words I speak
are painted with images
of the idol
and bowing again
before it I come

YOU CANNOT HEAL ME
you do not know my pain
YOU CANNOT COMFORT ME
you do not know why I scream
you do not see the demon that comes to me in the night
you do not feel my sickness
feel my terror
endure the fight
YOU CANNOT HOLD ME
you do not know what to protect
YOU CANNOT SHELTER ME
he will come in again

and you cannot stop him

You sit and look so tired
run your hands through your hair
and think a thousand thoughts
shuttered from the world
what haunts you my friend?
what keeps you up at nights?
keeps your smile from the day?
I pray for you my brother
     pray your restoration be complete

This cannot be a requiem mass
     for I am not gone yet
Though it feels my soul lies lost
'Tis buried 'neath the wandering stars
     and it has not come yet
To the health of one who lives

I miss what I have dreamed you to be
I miss the one I never knew
mourn that I could not understand
still cannot change
I mourn the loss
Was this your “fault”? cast blame. cast
it back upon myself

So quiet the voices come
whisper
my cry becomes a
whimper
barely breathing they come
taunting
ravish my soul
haunting
Alone the memories come
failing
to curb the weakness
fainting
Again I ask please no, please
don’t come
again my strength
won’t come

softness
falls in the hole of raging fire
falls in my heart
fills this desire
comes to my side
to take the place
of all twas lost
or never known
the voices come
stop.
no more the hole of fire

The lonliness comes in the still dark night
   and my heart shatters a thousand days
      I cannot learn to love halfway

The aching comes, brings with it loss
   of that which I cannot express
      have never held

The lonliness comes...

take these words
I take these words, pour out my soul
   I do not want you
      I lie
I ache for you, force myself inside
I want too much what I cannot have
      I hide
   how much I want you
I take these words, pour out my soul

afraid?
You are hiding as much as I
   You are scared as I am
though I don't know why
   are you afraid of me
      or am I...

You hide
    I wish that I
could make you smile
    could make you safe
once more

I don't want to hurt you
  my fear is that
I will lose you
  another friendship broken

How could you
  want me
How could you
  desire
    more?

So many fears enwrap
    my heart and I
don't want to hurt
    you, I want to be your friend

You see it as I do
    maybe more
you see all that goes on
    under the surface
and it hurts
  you
You feel as my sister does
    painful core
of hurt and wrath and loss
    bitterness and wrong
and it hurts you
You absorb all around you
    slamming door
hateful yells and glaring
    words unspoken
but no less
  said
you see but do not search it
    look but see
not

Take this heart
and let me know You
Take this life
and let me show You
Take this past
and make it new
Take this pride
and make it fall
Take this child
and make me seek You
Take this love
and make it pure

So easily distracted
mind poisoned within
tempted without
Be Thou only
within my sight

I will ravage you
I will take your heart
Your very soul
Your life to come back to Me
I will scar you
blind you
bring you
to your knees
to bring you back to Me
My Heart, my ravage
ravages me too
and I rend my heart
with your pain
for your pain
for your heart
for your love
I will not surrender
I will have my way
I will have you

I love you too much
to let you walk away
You do not know the fire into which
you walk

Do not turn away from Me
Do not walk away
Do not seek my
love
in another’s arms
another’s face
voice
charms
charm is seductive
and beauty is fleeting
Do not seek Me
in another
You will seek Me and find Me
I will be found
when you seek Me
with all your heart